steviemcfly:

Crab and smoked salmon quiche modeled after one I had at Spencer’s job yesterday.

I realized I haven’t updated this blog in nearly a year, so here’s the recipe for this one:

8 oz imitation crab meat (chunk style if available)

small package of smoked salmon

2 cups shredded Swiss cheese

3 eggs

2/3 (two-thirds) cup mayonnaise

onion (to taste)

½ cup milk

1 1/3 (one and one third) teaspoon cornstarch

two pie crusts (they come in a two-pack at Lowes)

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Lightly scramble the eggs.
3. Mix in milk, mayo, and corn starch.
4. Chop and add onion (I used about a third of an onion, but do it to taste; I may sauté them first next time so they’re softer)
5.  Add crab (I put in smaller chunks whole and broke up larger chunks by squeezing them between my thumb and index finger), mix
6. Rip salmon into small pieces and add, mix
7. Add cheese, mix.
8. Pour into pie crusts (there should be enough for both to be filled most of the way to the top of the crust)
9. Bake for 40-50 minutes or until knife pushed into center comes out clean.

Stir Fry

I made this before the NY vacation and didn’t post it. I’m posting it now because of my complete lack of new content.

• boneless chicken cutlets of your choice
• garlic
• salt
• pepper
• tumeric
• chili powder
• any other seasonings of choice
• peanut butter
• water
• rice vinegar
• frozen stir fry vegetables
• oil of choice

1. Thaw and marinate the chicken. I used salt, pepper, garlic, tumeric, and chili powder. Let it sit until it’s room temperature (the key to super tender chicken).
2. Cook it in the oil.
3. Add vegetables.
4. While that’s all cooking together, mix peanut butter, water, rice vinegar, and, if you feel like it, some of the leftover marinade from the chicken. It’s cool. It’ll cook through, don’t worry. But yeah, stir that shit until it’s a fairly saucy consistency.
5. Mix into stir fry.
6. Cover and cook, stirring occasionally.
7. Eat.

I don’t have a name for this one. It was born of desperation. There were things in my fridge, and I combined them to make a thing.

• Italian sausage
• onions
• garlic
• marinara sauce
• mozzarella cheese
• olive oil

1. Sautee onion.
2. Add garlic. You want to do it later because it cooks way faster and you don’t want it to be bitter.
3. Make patties of sausage.
4. Add them to pan.
5. Flip ‘em, cook ‘em, you know you know.
6. Put mozzarella on top and let it melt.
7. Add sauce.
8. Eat.

CHICKEN STRIPS

Everyone loves chicken strips. Everyone. If you say you don’t, you’re a fucking liar. Here’s how to make them, along with some bonus recipes for things I like to eat alongside said strips of chicken.

• chicken breast (I’d say get thin-sliced if possible; it’s easier to cook them all the way through without burning the breading)
• an egg
• flour
• garlic
• cayenne pepper
• salt
• pepper
• breadcrumbs
• panko breadcrumbs (optional; I didn’t use it in this picture, but have since started because it gives a nice extra bit of crunch)
• canola oil

1. Cut the chicken into strips of desired size and coat them in garlic, salt, pepper, and cayenne. You can season it how you want, but this is my general choice. I also occasionally throw in some tumeric, because that shit is good for you.
2. Beat an egg.
3. Mix some flour, salt, pepper, cayenne, breadcrumbs, and panko (if you have it) in a ziploc bag. Balance the flour, breadcrumbs, and panko according to how much crunch you want.
4. Heat a bunch of oil in a pot. You’re about to do some fucking deep frying. This is why I suggested canola oil. Don’t fry with olive oil. That is a bad decision.
5. Dip the chicken strips in egg.
6. Put one at a time into the ziploc bag, shake until strips are adequately covered in breading.
7. Throw a few at a time into the pot.
8. Take them out when they’re cooked.
9. Dip them shits in some barbecue sauce, nigga. You know you want to.

“But Stevie,” you might ask, “what about the side dishes? I mean, I got all this boiling canola oil, and I want to deep fry some other shit so I can do the kibosh to my heart all at once.” Well, hypothetical reader, I got a surprise for you.

ONION RINGS AND FRIED MUSHROOMS

• onions
• mushrooms
• the shit from above

1. Soak the mushrooms.
2. Cut the onions so that their layers naturally form rings.
3. Dip onions and mushrooms in egg and then breading.
4. Throw them in the oil.
5. Take them out and eat them.

“But Stevie!” you yell at me. “Why are you yelling?” I reply, brow furrowed in question. You raise your fork to full stabbing height and, looking sternly at my hand, yell, “I WANT AVOCADO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Fine! Fine! Goddamn!

• avocado
• the shit from the last two shits

1. Cut avocado into fry-shaped pieces.
2. Fry.
3. Eat.

It’s actually better pan-fried, but deep frying works, and fuck, you got a whole thing of canola oil, so why not? But if you’re making just these and the strips, you can pan fry them both and save yourself a bypass later in life.

For those of you wondering what the sauce by the avocado is, it’s barbecue ranch. Mix barbecue and ranch, and voila!

Enjoy, bastards.

CRAB CAKES

(note: I don’t remember what sauce I made there, but just assume it was delicious)

• 1 can crab
• some mayo
• some breadcrumbs
• Old Bay, nigga
• onion
• red pepper
• olive oil

1. Sautee some onion and red pepper in that olive oil.
2. Mix the crab, mayo, breadcrumbs, sauteed results of step 1, and Old Bay (to taste) in a bowl.
3. Shape it into some crab-cake shaped cakes of crab.
4. Throw those motherfuckers in the pan with the olive oil.
5. Flip ‘em sometimes.
6. When they look nice and delicious, take ‘em and eat ‘em.